if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
