YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
