life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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