pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
