What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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