Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
