I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
