I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
not ubering you a puppy
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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