note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
