That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
