i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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