did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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