theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
