Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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