I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
