lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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