I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
