At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
