we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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