Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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