I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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