I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
