I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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