dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
