I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
