John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
