Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
