Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
