no, he came in my armpit
I look better un-naked...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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