You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
