What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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