Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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