Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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