I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
