As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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