well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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