I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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