i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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