Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
