We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
