I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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