is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
