I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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