The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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