Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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