why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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