Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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