Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
