I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
