Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
